Epitaphs XIII

Here’s the remains of Barbara Hoken.
Carved in stone her last words spoken;
“Lend me your car and I’m not jokin’.
I don’t care if the brakes are broken.”

Epitaphs XII

Here lies the body of Myron Clampet.
His tongue was on fire and he tried to stamp it.

Epitaphs XI

Here lies the body of Michael McZuggs
Who’s unfortunate passing was brought on by slugs.
No garden-y types made Mike meet Saint Peter.
These slugs were shot out of a nine millimeter.

A Loss For Words.

Doggies woof.
Kitties purr.
Birdies tweet.
Mosquitoes whirr.
Piggies oink.
Horses neigh.
What the heck
Do maggots say?

Scabby-Belle The Healing Pixie

If you scrape or cut your skin
On knives or glass or kelp,
Don't you fear, the wound will heal
And Scabby-Belle will help.

She flies into your room at night
When you are sleepy snoozy.
And the nasty cut you got that day
Is still all moist and oozy.

She licks the cut and waves her wand
And teh ooze turns stiff and lumpy.
A healing gift from Scabby-Belle
All nice and hard and bumpy.

Three Alternatives To The "Baby, Baby, Stick Your Head In Gravy" Taunt

1) Lemur, Lemur!
Ring-tailed lemur!
Hopping 'round in Africa
Until you broke your femur!

2) Tape worm, tape worm!
Parasitic tape worm!
Brush your teeth with kerosene
And moisturise with ape sperm!

3) Beaver, beaver!
Rifle-toting beaver!
Worshipper of Beelzebub;
The ultimate deceiver!

Little Nell

Little Nell was ironing;
A chore she thought was dumb.
But Nellie got distracted
And she flattened out her thumb.

Little Nell

Little Nell slept peacefully
Throughout the winter season.
But when it turned to springtime
She exploded for no reason.