Epitaphs VIII

Lacerated to death
Here's Chipper Von Vanne.
Cut down from this life
When the Chip hit the fan.

Little Nell

Little Nell loved jewelry
And Nell’s a wretched swimmer.
She dove in, sank and can’t be reached
Not even with the skimmer.

Tami's Lips

Tami had enormous lips
Underneath her nose.
They looked quite nice 'cept they were huge
And hung down to her toes.

One windy day a gale blew through
And got her lips a-flapping.
And in four days she passed away.
The cause? Excessive chapping.

Marcia’s Weight Problem

Marcia’s getting wider
And bigger clothes can’t hide ‘er.
Tarps and sheets won’t do it.
She should stop eating suet.

Epitaphs VII

In these two plots lay both of the Flagnets.
A couple who died when they ate they’re ‘fridge magnets.
The wee bits of metal increased their attraction.
But a passing bus triggered a fatal extraction.

Questioning The Poems You May Read To A Child At Bedtime

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop.
When the wind blows the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall.
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

But what did become of that ill-fated tot,
Of the scrapes he sustained or the bruises he got?
And what of the fractures or lumps he received
Or the numerous cuts as he fell through the leaves?

To fall from some height would be bad, don’tcha think?
And the child most definitely died in a wink.
To smash on the ground, there could be nothing worse.
So why tell the tale in a sing-songy verse?

So remember this bit as your kids go to sleep,
All filled full of calm and dreaming so deep.
So to help your kids sleep full of sweet slumber breath
Tell the tale of a baby who fell to his death.

Puppy Dog

Puppy dog, puppy dog
Playful little pup.
Run around in circles
With your tail pointing up.

Puppy dog, puppy dog
Tell me what is whats.
And why you’re always sniffing
All the other doggies butts.

Wart Hog

Wild boar so tuskily tusky,
Squat and stout and generally husky.
You huff and grunt, you root and dig;
Beady-eyed, mud-caked, uncouth pig.

Mr. Craig's Fables: The Little-est Hiccup

Four score and twenty years ago, last Thursday around dinner time......................


.....there lived a very tiny hiccup.

He lived very comfortably inside a woman named Susan who was a bank teller from Boise, Idaho.
For most of the time that the little hiccup lived in Susan, he hung around inside her belly-area waiting to do his job which was to jump around and sing his hiccup songs.
He would sit back and rest for most of the time until the moment was right.
Then the little hiccup would hop around Susan's belly and sing his hiccup songs.
"Hiccup!"
"Hiccup, hiccup!"
"Hic......hiccup!"
The little hiccup was very good at and very happy with his job but he longed for more.
"I want more," he said one day.
"Some day I will grow up to be big and strong. I will be the biggest strongest hiccup that there ever was."
So the little hiccup started working out.
He did jumping jacks.
He did deep knee bends.
He swam laps in the pool.
And after some time of working out and getting larger the little hiccup was very large and powerful.
"Gosh!," said the little hiccup. "I wish there were a mirror around. I want to know what I look like."
All of a sudden it was time to dance and the little hiccup had to do his job.
"Oh boy!" the little hiccup cried with glee.
"Now I get to do my job even better because I'm so big and strong!"
So the little hiccup started dancing and jumping around and singing his hiccup songs.
But something sounded different.
The songs were not the same as they were when the little hiccup was smaller.
"Hurp!" said the little hiccup.
"H-huh-huh-hu-u-u-u-u-u-urp!"
"Guh-huh-h-huh, hu-u-u-u-u-u-u-urp!"
"What is that noise?!?", cried the little hiccup.
"What's going on?!?"
As the little hiccup continued to jump around and sing his new-sounding songs, wondering what was going on, all of a sudden there was a flood of hot and sticky wetness behind him and the little hiccup felt himself traveling straight up off his feet and at a great rate of speed.
And Susan, the bank teller from Boise, Idaho threw up all over the counter at her job.