An Important Dating Lesson

Whenever girls kissed Reggie Glott
They always screamed and spat a lot.
He’d plant one on them then they’d say,
“PTOOIE!” and then run away.

Now Reg was handsome, quite a catch.
It’s just his kisses weren’t up to scratch.
“It’s not my breath. That smells like mint.
So why do the girls all shriek and squint?”

So Reggie lived in stupefaction
Due to the girls unwanted reaction.
And the rule Reg ignored in relationships?
Don’t use your own earwax to moisten your lips.

Benjamin Spears

Benjamin Spears
Was born without ears
So the thought of him reading was gone.

His eyeballs still see’ed
And Ben could still read
But his glasses just wouldn’t stay on.

Little Nell

Little Nell liked throwing rocks
From pebble-sized to boulders.
A heavy one took Nellie's arms
And wrenched them from her shoulders.

Poultry Pox

Itchy little boils
Pop up on your skin.
They’re bumpy little blotches
With a greasy cream within.

Similar to pimples
They cause your flesh to thicken.
Whoever named these pox was right.
‘Cause they sure do taste like chicken!

Buck-Toothed Ruth

Buck-toothed Ruth was quite uncouth.
She lived and worked in old Duluth.
Her fountain of youth, to tell the truth,
Was drinking lots of dry vermouth.
Then Buck-toothed Ruth lost work, forsooth.
No one went to her kissing booth.

Monsters in Your House: The Flitture

The Flitture’s flat, the Flitture’s white and looks like facial tissue.
It nestles in the Kleenex box and it will never miss you.

You’ll never see it sitting there, all soft and quiet-like.
The Flitture’s very patient, that is ‘til its time to strike.

You’ll pull one out to wipe your nose or when you gotta sneeze.
It then plants eggs inside your snoot and gives you nostril fleas.

Don’t listen to your parents ‘cause it’s one of their pet peeves.
But if you have to wipe your nose just learn to use your sleeves.

Breakfast Cereals You Might Want To Avoid

Corn flakes can cure your hunger woes.
But not if the flakes come from corns on your toes.

Breakfast cereals can help curb your munchies.
But not if you’re gobbling “Sugar Scab Crunchies.”

Use a small spoon with your “Skunk Bottom Pops.”
And “Sugar Frosted Dandruff Bombs” are really not the tops.

“Uncle Abner’s Gristle-O’s”
Are as bad as a box of “Chunks From Your Nose.”

And “Spoon-Sized Shredded Choco-Dungs”
Are equally harmful as “Hummingbird Lungs.”

So just say “no” to “Bloody Oats”
And don’t put “Newt Loops” down your throats.

Epitaphs I

On to beyond goes Gwendolyn Feeney
She choked to death on a cocktail weenie.
She didn’t pass on from the hot dog served.
She swallowed the toothpick that was in the hors d’oeuvre.

Little Nell

Little Nell liked hugging trees
And moved out West to practice.
On her first day she passed away
Because she hugged a cactus.