The Fate Of A Duo Of Deer OR A Long Way To Go For A Pun

Two reindeer you might recognize-
A Rudolph and a Cupid-
Decided being nice was dumb
And started acting stupid.

They both said, "We will do some crimes!"
And set about their plan
To rob the world of rich desserts;
Namely cakes and flan.

They saw themselves as pirates
So with 12-inch kitchen matches,
They each poked out one of their eyes
And sported nifty patches.

They walked the streets and yelled their plans,
These antler-ed buccaneers.
And everyone who heard their yells said,
"Those are bad eye deers."

The Forseen Yet Ignored Death Of The Milk Carton Lady

The Milk Carton lady
Was surprised to meet her fate.
She should've simply read
Her expiration date.

Little Nell, she played the harp.
“I’m good,” is what she said.
She lost her footing, fell and now
Resembles sliced up bread.

The Unfortunate Demise of Barney The Weightlifter

Barney worked out in the gym.
But not to keep his body slim.
Tremendous size was all for him.
So Barney lifted weights.

He worked his form from head to toe.
But still his growth was much too slow.
So steroids helped his muscles grow.
Barney grew enormous.

Barney's clothes soon didn't fit.
And all his pants and t-shirts split.
But through this Barney didn't quit.
He just kept on lifting.

One day while trying to impress Beth,
Barn breathed his final monstrous breath
He flexed and crushed himself to death.
Barney self-imploded.

The Cannibal Diner

The Cannibal Diner serves up meals
Of muscle, bone and sinew.
On second thought, I'll stop this poem.
It's too gross to continue.

Ginny and Her Mole

Little Ginny had a mole.
She had it on her cheek.
She called the mole a "beauty mark"
And thought herself quite chic.

But Little Ginny had no friends
And caused tremendous hype
Because the mole on Ginny's chin
Was of the rodent type.

What If....

What if you had a flip-top head
With a hinge at the back of your neck?
You would need a latch just under your chin
To keep your head-flopping in check.

But other than that it would be really nice
When drinking a cold, ice cream float.
Just flip back your head, grab onto the glass
And pour the drink straight down your throat.

Epitaphs X

Here in the earth is Juanita DeFudds
Who passed when she fell in a pile of spuds.
She would have survived and not lay lengthwise
If she weren’t peeled and sliced and served as french fries.

Little Nell read paperbacks
Then licked the books she read.
One million tiny paper cuts
Is the reason Nellie’s dead.

Shaven Davey

Davey went and shaved his beard
And what a mood he’s in.
‘Cause when he clipped his face hair off
He found he had no chin.

Now with no chin, Dave went insane
And thought he was Abe Lincoln.
‘Cause Dave found out he had no part
To scratch when he was thinkin’.

Those Shiny Kids

Those shiny kids were one foot tall.
Yup, they were kind of tiny.
But they made up for being small
‘Cause man, those kids were shiny.

Those shiny kids, both girls and boys,
Were just as bald as eggs.
Just shiny skin, no hair at all
In armpits or on legs.

Those shiny kids were always dressed
In foil pants and blazers.
They bought their duds with cash they saved
From never buying razors.

Little Nell went picnic-ing
And wore her taffy pants.
She died when both of Nellie’s legs
Were gobbled off by ants.

Dog Poop

In my yard, a tube of waste.
I surely do not wannit.
For with bare feet, I surely know,
That I will trod upon it.

Little Nell, she played the harp.
“I’m good,” is what she said.
She tripped and fell on it and now
Resembles sliced up bread.

Invention #1

I think I'll invent "Mental Floss"
To thread my brain throughout.
So when bad songs get stuck in there
I'm sure to pluck them out.

Grandma's Excess Chin Skin

Grandma had a turkey neck,
All wrinkled up and clammy.
A strong breeze caught and picked her up
And sailed her to Miami.

Jenny and Her Face

Jenny always wore a veil
Fashioned from a doily.
Jenny wore the mask
Because her face was very oily.

She entered in a beauty show
And wound up in last place.
Jenny's skin was so slicked-up
Her nose slid off her face.

Little Nell

Little Nell wore cheese perfume.
She only wore it twice.
The second time, sweet darling Nell,
Was chewed apart by mice.

Little Nell

Little Nell, her hair fell out
From acid she was sloshin’.
It’s true she’s got less hair to clean
But lots more face for washin’.

Why Crabs Only Know One Dance

Crabs live in the ocean
So they have an brine-y smell.
They have six legs on both their sides
And live inside their shell.
They have two claws to pinch their dates
At the Crabby Dance on Fridays.
But crabs can only tango 'cause
Crabs, they just walk sideways.

Epitaphs IX

Accept into Heaven Ms. Betsy Dannear
Who sadly passed on at the start of this year.
She toasted with champagne and drank quite a lot.
She was so full of bubbles she popped on the spot.

Alternatives To The Harmless “Bed Bug” Rhyme Said To Children Before They Go To Sleep

Good night little one.
Now the day is all done.
And look out for the creature that bites you for fun.

And as the sun goes
Time for all kids to doze.
And beware of the ghost that will peel off your toes.

The Sandman has said,
“Time to snooze, sleepyhead.”
And don’t think of the spears that shoot up through your bed.

As sleep fills this space
Full of moonbeams and lace,
Look out for the thing that will gnaw off your face.

Have pleasant dreams
Of dancing ice creams.
And pay you no mind to those blood-curdling screams.

May the soft lullabies
Keep you safe ‘til sunrise
And demons love darkness so don’t shut your eyes.

Try not to pause it,
That Sandman’s deposit.
And watch for the lunatic crouched in your closet.

Little Nell

Little Nell cooked Bar-B-Que.
She loved the taste of it.
Her pig roast ended very wrong.
She wound up on the spit.

The Kipper Twins

The Kipper twins, born without shins
Lived in a tissue box.
With no leg bones, the Kipper clones,
Wore no shoes or socks.

The Kipper pair, that’s Burt and Claire,
Danced with little poise.
For when they grooved and pranced and moved
They made a flapping noise.

Tomato Underwear

Beefsteak or Heirloom
Green or Organic
Tomato-made skivvies
Might stir up a panic.

While walking and sitting
You just might feel "bossy".
But honestly speaking,
You'll only feel "saucy".

Epitaphs VIII

Lacerated to death
Here's Chipper Von Vanne.
Cut down from this life
When the Chip hit the fan.

Little Nell

Little Nell loved jewelry
And Nell’s a wretched swimmer.
She dove in, sank and can’t be reached
Not even with the skimmer.

Tami's Lips

Tami had enormous lips
Underneath her nose.
They looked quite nice 'cept they were huge
And hung down to her toes.

One windy day a gale blew through
And got her lips a-flapping.
And in four days she passed away.
The cause? Excessive chapping.

Marcia’s Weight Problem

Marcia’s getting wider
And bigger clothes can’t hide ‘er.
Tarps and sheets won’t do it.
She should stop eating suet.

Epitaphs VII

In these two plots lay both of the Flagnets.
A couple who died when they ate they’re ‘fridge magnets.
The wee bits of metal increased their attraction.
But a passing bus triggered a fatal extraction.

Questioning The Poems You May Read To A Child At Bedtime

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop.
When the wind blows the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall.
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

But what did become of that ill-fated tot,
Of the scrapes he sustained or the bruises he got?
And what of the fractures or lumps he received
Or the numerous cuts as he fell through the leaves?

To fall from some height would be bad, don’tcha think?
And the child most definitely died in a wink.
To smash on the ground, there could be nothing worse.
So why tell the tale in a sing-songy verse?

So remember this bit as your kids go to sleep,
All filled full of calm and dreaming so deep.
So to help your kids sleep full of sweet slumber breath
Tell the tale of a baby who fell to his death.

Puppy Dog

Puppy dog, puppy dog
Playful little pup.
Run around in circles
With your tail pointing up.

Puppy dog, puppy dog
Tell me what is whats.
And why you’re always sniffing
All the other doggies butts.

Wart Hog

Wild boar so tuskily tusky,
Squat and stout and generally husky.
You huff and grunt, you root and dig;
Beady-eyed, mud-caked, uncouth pig.

Mr. Craig's Fables: The Little-est Hiccup

Four score and twenty years ago, last Thursday around dinner time......................


.....there lived a very tiny hiccup.

He lived very comfortably inside a woman named Susan who was a bank teller from Boise, Idaho.
For most of the time that the little hiccup lived in Susan, he hung around inside her belly-area waiting to do his job which was to jump around and sing his hiccup songs.
He would sit back and rest for most of the time until the moment was right.
Then the little hiccup would hop around Susan's belly and sing his hiccup songs.
"Hiccup!"
"Hiccup, hiccup!"
"Hic......hiccup!"
The little hiccup was very good at and very happy with his job but he longed for more.
"I want more," he said one day.
"Some day I will grow up to be big and strong. I will be the biggest strongest hiccup that there ever was."
So the little hiccup started working out.
He did jumping jacks.
He did deep knee bends.
He swam laps in the pool.
And after some time of working out and getting larger the little hiccup was very large and powerful.
"Gosh!," said the little hiccup. "I wish there were a mirror around. I want to know what I look like."
All of a sudden it was time to dance and the little hiccup had to do his job.
"Oh boy!" the little hiccup cried with glee.
"Now I get to do my job even better because I'm so big and strong!"
So the little hiccup started dancing and jumping around and singing his hiccup songs.
But something sounded different.
The songs were not the same as they were when the little hiccup was smaller.
"Hurp!" said the little hiccup.
"H-huh-huh-hu-u-u-u-u-u-urp!"
"Guh-huh-h-huh, hu-u-u-u-u-u-u-urp!"
"What is that noise?!?", cried the little hiccup.
"What's going on?!?"
As the little hiccup continued to jump around and sing his new-sounding songs, wondering what was going on, all of a sudden there was a flood of hot and sticky wetness behind him and the little hiccup felt himself traveling straight up off his feet and at a great rate of speed.
And Susan, the bank teller from Boise, Idaho threw up all over the counter at her job.