Marianne the Vampire

Vampire Marianne
(A strict vegetarian)
Had a long and successful career.

She’d feed on potatoes
And bite ripe tomatoes
And hunted each night without fear.

Zucchinis were cool
To this plant sucking ghoul
As were all the plants down at the Mart.

But since meat was a sin
What did Marianne in
Was a porterhouse steak through the heart.

Epitaphs VI

Here lies the farmer, Benjamin Cropp.
Who was taken away when he fell on a top.
The wound he received didn’t cause expiration.
What did Benny in was severe Cropp rotation.

Little Nell

Little Nell ate super glue
While lying in a field.
She wouldn’t say who gave her it
Because her lips were sealed.

Little Nell liked great big snakes
And Little Nell liked magic.
Little Nell combined the two.
The end result was tragic.

Why The Sea Is Salty

The Earth is mostly water
From the North pole to the South.
And all of it tastes salty
When you swish it ‘round your mouth.

And all the salt in all the seas
Comes from a single source.
What makes the oceans taste that way
Is sweaty fish, of course.

Clothes For Sale

Clothes for sale, clothes for sale!
Clothes that cover from head to tail!

For four ninety-nine I’ve got fresh fish socks.
Adult size is “trout” and for children there’s “lox.”
Pulled up to your calves these fish socks look swell
Though it takes quite some time to get used to the smell.

Right over here I’ve got “Boa Neck Ties.”
They fit any neck ‘cause they come in one size.
These snake ties are stylish and not very frightening.
But the best part of all is these ties are self-tightening.

And just take a look at this cheddar bikini.
It comes in three sizes; Large, Small and Teeny.
We don’t sell a lot and the reason, we felt,
Is when out in the sunshine the suit starts to melt.

Art The Whistler

Art could whistle like a bird.
Just pretty notes and not one word.
Art would start whistling when he’d awaken
Then whistle right through his poached eggs and bacon.

He whistled at work, he whistled at home.
He whistled while “talking” to friends on the phone.
He whistled so much that it made people mad
Like his aunt and his cat and his Mom and his Dad.

“Enough!” they would holler. “You whistle by choice!
Now stop all this tweeting and please use your voice!”
So Art scratched his head as he thought what to do.
Then he puckered his lips and he whistled, “Wit Woo!”

“We’ve all had enough of your joking and toying!
And this whistling thing is just really annoying!”
But Art kept on tweeting in front of the clan
So they thought up a way to stop “Whistling Man.”

They pondered and planned on a way to stop Art
And they mapped out a plan and they drew up a chart.
Arts mouth was the source of the family’s unease
So they went and they stapled his lips to his knees.

Epitaphs V

Into beyond goes Jonathan Brannon.
Snatched from this planet when killed by a cannon.
A curious chap, poor John did expire
When he peered down the barrel and someone yelled, “FIRE!”

Epitaphs IV

Here she lies, Maggie Plantaine.
Taken from life, she was crushed by a train.
The cause of her death? Prepositional blunder.
She didn’t get “on” instead she got “under.”