Marianne the Vampire

Vampire Marianne
(A strict vegetarian)
Had a long and successful career.

She’d feed on potatoes
And bite ripe tomatoes
And hunted each night without fear.

Zucchinis were cool
To this plant sucking ghoul
As were all the plants down at the Mart.

But since meat was a sin
What did Marianne in
Was a porterhouse steak through the heart.

Epitaphs VI

Here lies the farmer, Benjamin Cropp.
Who was taken away when he fell on a top.
The wound he received didn’t cause expiration.
What did Benny in was severe Cropp rotation.

Little Nell

Little Nell ate super glue
While lying in a field.
She wouldn’t say who gave her it
Because her lips were sealed.

Little Nell liked great big snakes
And Little Nell liked magic.
Little Nell combined the two.
The end result was tragic.

Why The Sea Is Salty

The Earth is mostly water
From the North pole to the South.
And all of it tastes salty
When you swish it ‘round your mouth.

And all the salt in all the seas
Comes from a single source.
What makes the oceans taste that way
Is sweaty fish, of course.

Clothes For Sale

Clothes for sale, clothes for sale!
Clothes that cover from head to tail!

For four ninety-nine I’ve got fresh fish socks.
Adult size is “trout” and for children there’s “lox.”
Pulled up to your calves these fish socks look swell
Though it takes quite some time to get used to the smell.

Right over here I’ve got “Boa Neck Ties.”
They fit any neck ‘cause they come in one size.
These snake ties are stylish and not very frightening.
But the best part of all is these ties are self-tightening.

And just take a look at this cheddar bikini.
It comes in three sizes; Large, Small and Teeny.
We don’t sell a lot and the reason, we felt,
Is when out in the sunshine the suit starts to melt.

Art The Whistler

Art could whistle like a bird.
Just pretty notes and not one word.
Art would start whistling when he’d awaken
Then whistle right through his poached eggs and bacon.

He whistled at work, he whistled at home.
He whistled while “talking” to friends on the phone.
He whistled so much that it made people mad
Like his aunt and his cat and his Mom and his Dad.

“Enough!” they would holler. “You whistle by choice!
Now stop all this tweeting and please use your voice!”
So Art scratched his head as he thought what to do.
Then he puckered his lips and he whistled, “Wit Woo!”

“We’ve all had enough of your joking and toying!
And this whistling thing is just really annoying!”
But Art kept on tweeting in front of the clan
So they thought up a way to stop “Whistling Man.”

They pondered and planned on a way to stop Art
And they mapped out a plan and they drew up a chart.
Arts mouth was the source of the family’s unease
So they went and they stapled his lips to his knees.

Epitaphs V

Into beyond goes Jonathan Brannon.
Snatched from this planet when killed by a cannon.
A curious chap, poor John did expire
When he peered down the barrel and someone yelled, “FIRE!”

Epitaphs IV

Here she lies, Maggie Plantaine.
Taken from life, she was crushed by a train.
The cause of her death? Prepositional blunder.
She didn’t get “on” instead she got “under.”

Contemplating the Uvula

You’re just a little, teardrop-shaped, dangling lump of skin
That hangs down at the back of my throat with no real next of kin.

You sway a bit, both back and forth, when I breathe in and out.
Kind of like a punching bag before a boxing bout.

You get swept back when I ingest those rich and creamy sauces.
And then get tossed the other way when I am feeling nauseous.

Despite those minor obstacles I’m envious no doubt
Because it seems your job so far is simply to hang out.

Tattooed Dirt

You wouldn’t be that mopey.
If you never got all soapy.

Just think of the money you’ve squandered
On keeping your body laundered.

Wouldn’t you feel empowered
If you never, ever showered?

And the fame you will have gathered
By keeping yourself unlathered?

A full body, dirt tattoo
Wouldn’t save much on shampoo.

But your status? Full of fame-y.
Though you would be rather gamey.

Little Nell

Little Nell just loved the sun
Of this there is no doubt.
One day she stared right at it
And burned her eyeballs out.

Dancing Debbie

Dainty dancing Debbie Moore
Nailed her foot to the kitchen floor.
Her leaps and bounds were uneventful.
But her pirouettes were monumental!

Early Morning Song Birds

You wake up in the morning
And the sun is bright and shining.
The morning dew a-glistens
And the early birds are dining.
The birdies have their breakfast
And then the birds start chirping.
But all the songs those birdies sing
Is just those birdies burping.

Little Nell

Little Nell fed ‘gators
In a pen out on her lawn.
She’d be here if she hadn’t had
Her lamb chop ear rings on.

Snakes

They only use one lip balm tin
Because their lips are very thin.

The Poem That Never Really Worked, About The Cat On My Porch

There was a tan cat that sat on my porch.
It lay in the sun all day long.
I scared it one day and it ran in the street
And got hit by a moving truck that was full of furniture that belonged to that new family across the street, y’know? The Johnsons? Yeah, them. Nice people.

Mr. Craigs Fables: The Hungry Little Slug

Yesterday at 2:00 PM, give or take a week.......

A chubby, little slug crawled under a fence and into a great big garden.
He was feeling a bit hungry as he slowly inched among the rows of vegetables looking for a meal.
"Golly," thought the chubby, little slug. "I sure am hungry. What would taste super-good right now would be some squash."
As the chubby, little slug slowly inched down the row of vegetables and turned to inch up the next row, his little slug eyes almost popped off their stalks with amazement.
There in front of him was a whole row of squash.
"Oh happy day!" cried the chubby, little slug. "Look at all these squash! I will never be hungry again! And they're mine!...ALL MINE!!"
And the chubby, little slug started eating the squash.
munch, munch munch!
munch, munch munch!
munch, munch munch!
Gulp!
It didn't take very long until the chubby little slug had eaten enough squash and he was very, very full.
"I am very, very full," he said through a mouthful of chewed squash. "But I can't crawl away because someone may come by and take all my beautiful squash away from me!"
So he started eating again.
And he ate.
And he ate.
And he ate.
The chubby, little slug ate so much squash the he puffed up to four times his normal size.
"Ooooh my gracious," groaned the chubby, little slug. "I can't eat any more squash! But I can't just crawl away! Someone may come by and take all my beautiful squash away from me!"
So he started eating yet again.
And he ate.
And he ate.
And he ate.
Then suddenly, the chubby, little slug stopped eating.
His little, slug eyes bulged on the ends of their stalks.
His little slug mouth opened and trembled as tiny bits of squash dropped from his little slug lips.
And with a loud and wet-sounding "POP!", the chubby, little slug exploded and showered the vegetable garden with partially digested squash and lots and lots of slug innards.

Why People Go To Parades

It’s not to hear the marching bands
Or hear the bag pipes drone.
It’s not to see the honored Mayor
Or the float shaped like a phone.

It’s not to see the Little League
Or any Boy Scout Troop.
But who’s a-marching behind the horse
And who steps in the poop.

What If Stevie Wonder Were Superman?

Fighting crime would still be his mission.
Just without the X-Ray vision.

Little Nell

Little Nell had hiccups
Of that there was no doubt.
She hiccup-ed once with so much force
Her head turned inside out.

Little Nell

Little Nell spun ‘round and ‘round
And then she spun some more.
She spun around a few more times
And spun right through the floor.

Timmy And Fong

Timmy had a sister and his sister’s name was Fong.
Timmy, who was older, thought his sister’s hair was long.
So Timmy grabbed some pruning shears a-lying next to him
And went into his sisters room to give her hair a trim.

He started cutting on the top and then moved to the back.
The pruning shears went “snick-itty snick” and “clip-itty clip” and “hack”.
But Timmy grew a bit perturbed and thought about just leavin’
Because the haircut he gave Fong was sloppy and uneven.

The top was clean. The back, precise. The bangs, without a flaw.
It was the sides of Fong’s new “do” that stuck in Timmy’s craw.
So Timmy thought and Timmy smiled and Timmy grabbed the shears
And cured his sister’s cock-eyed hair by snipping off her ears.

Refuting The Existence Of Certain Mythical Personas Your Parents Insist Are Real

It’s not the Sandman sprinklin’ dust
It’s tears and dirt that make eye crust.

The Boogey Man will top this list
Because he simply don’t exist.

Another lie is the Easter Bunny.
(I don’t know why they think he’s funny.)

And frozen water condensation
Is the Jack Frost explanation.

But the one that lives and is truly scary
Is the vicious, rabid, fanged Tooth Fairy.

Mr. Craigs Fables: The Other Muffin Man

Thirteen years ago last Tuesday,…………….



Mrs. Glickman opened up her oven door and peeked inside.
“Oh good-y,” she smiled. “They’re done.”
She put on her big, purple oven mitts, reached into the stove and pulled out a pan filled with freshly baked, blueberry muffins.
Smelling the sweet, fruity muffins, Mrs. Glickman placed the hot pan on top of the stove and left the kitchen to give them time to cool.
When she returned 10 minutes later, she noticed that one of the muffins was missing.
“That’s odd,” she said out loud. “I wonder what happened to the muffin.”
“Hah, haa! Wouldn’t you like to know, you big dummy,” said a mocking voice that came from the stove top.
Mrs. Glickman looked down and stood shocked and still when out from behind the tea kettle walked the missing blueberry muffin.
There was a long period of quiet as Mrs. Glickman stared at the little muffin on the stove.
“What are you looking at, Stupid Head,” sneered the muffin.
Mrs. Glickman couldn’t believe she was staring at a walking, talking muffin. Or at how impolite the muffin was.
“What?” shouted the muffin. “You’ve never seen a blueberry muffin before?” The muffin then stuck its tongue out at her.
Mrs. Glickman frowned at the rude, little muffin. She then reached out her hand to pick it up and place it back in the muffin pan with the other muffins who didn’t walk or talk nasty.
“Hey!” screamed the muffin. “Don’t touch me!”
When Mrs. Glickman pulled back her hand, the bad muffin laughed, turned around and wiggled his rear end in her direction.
Then it made “poopie” noises at her.
Mrs. Glickman had had enough of the bad mannered muffin. She reached down and quickly grabbed the muffin as it tried to run back behind the tea kettle.
She then peeled the paper wrapper from around the wriggling, little muffin.
“What are you doing?!?” screamed the muffin. “Why are you taking off my clothes?!?”
With the paper covering removed, Mrs. Glickman then raised the shrieking, little muffin up to her mouth and took a big bite out of it.
As she chewed the mouthful of muffin, the yelling stopped and she got to enjoy the fruity tasting muffin in peace and quiet.
And it was the best tasting muffin she ever ate.

Babies pt. I

Very tiny, little folks
With wretched walking talents.
Their mouths stay open when they walk.
They use the drool for balance.

Babies pt.II

Change is for the better
Or else the diaper just gets wetter.

Mr. Craig's Fables: The Story of Fatty Ham Cat

Not long ago in a town just over there,………

there lived a cat that looked just how a cat should look. He had two pointy ears, a long tail, a little pink tongue and he was furry. But there were two things that made this cat just a little bit different.
One thing was this cat was very, VERY fat.
And the second thing was this cat smelled like ham.
So people called him………..Fatty Ham Cat.
Fatty Ham Cat liked to eat.
Fatty Ham Cat liked to sleep.
And Fatty Ham Cat liked to dream.
One day, Fatty Ham Cat woke up from a great dream, ate breakfast and went for a walk. And everywhere that Fatty Ham Cat went, people were not very nice to him.
They said things like, “Ew!”
And “Gross!”
And “Yuck! You smell like ham!”
This made Fatty Ham Cat mad.
“What’s the big deal!” he yelled. “I smell like ham! So what?!? It could be worse! I could smell like cheese underpants!”
So Fatty Ham Cat went out each day to do his cat chores knowing that people didn’t like the way he smelled.
That Thursday while he stood in line at the sock store, Fatty Ham Cat noticed something unusual.
The lady behind him wasn’t complaining that he smelled like ham.
In fact, she was standing very close to him and smelling him and smiling.
When she noticed what she was doing she apologized.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just love the smell of ham.”
“You do?” said Fatty Ham Cat.
“Yes. How would you like to come live with me?” she asked.
“What would I have to do?” asked Fatty Ham Cat.
“Oh, nothing. Just sleep and dream and eat the food I make you. All you would have to do is smell like ham.”
“I can sure do that!” exclaimed Fatty Ham Cat.
So Fatty Ham Cat went home with the woman and she made him a big batch of mouse cakes for dinner.
And as Fatty Ham Cat slept and dreamed, the lady sniffed him and smiled.

Monsters in Your House: The Pant-a-Loon

The Pant-a-Loon lives in your pants and in your leiderhosen.
It’s thin and soft and lives wrapped up inside the pants you’ve chosen.

It slithers in a pants leg, either left one or the right ones.
Its favorites are the baggy kind and always shuns the tight ones.

The Pant-a-Loon sleeps patiently until you put on slacks
And then the flat and sneaky beast awakens and attacks.

The way you beat the Pant-a-Loon and not end up its food?
You simply must take off your pants and walk around half-nude.

Epitaphs III

Here I lie,
Weiling Chan,
Sliced to death by a ceiling fan.
I rest now in heaven
And hear angels chatter
All the while looking
Like a cold deli platter.

Little Nell

Little Nell ate honey
Directly from the hive.
If Nell had just removed the bees
She still might be alive.

Connie, The Piercing Fanatic

She pierced her earlobes one by one.
Then pierced them twelve more times for fun.

And soon her lobes were filled with rings
So Connie punctured other things.

Her eyebrows were the next things skewered,
One hundred rings, so mark my word.

Off her nose ten rings were hung
And then nine barbells through her tongue.

With no room left upon her face
She went and pierced near everyplace.

Connie pierced her body speedily
‘Til all her skin was pierced and needle-y.

She went outside to show the world.
But just then dark storm clouds unfurled.

It rained on Connie, now she’s gone.
She rusted to death right there on the lawn.

Little Nell

Little Nell once bit her tongue
And found she liked the taste.
So she kept right on chewing
'Til she gnawed off half her face.

Little Nell

Little Nell baked poison tarts
Spiced with toxic waste.
That's fine 'cept Nellie gave the batter
Just a little taste.

Crooked Pete

In a crooked little house
On a crooked little street
Lived a crooked little man
And his name was Crooked Pete.

Crooked Pete was called as such
‘Cause of his crooked back.
Both mentally and physically,
Pete was out of whack.

Crooked Pete lived in his house
With Bruce who was his dog
Who lay still ‘cause he had no legs
And looked just like a log.

And every morning, every day
Bruce’s tail would wag.
‘Cause Crooked Pete would leash Bruce up
And take him for a drag.

Epitaphs II

Here lies the body of Jessica Booth,
A spinster who tried to recapture her youth.
She passed when attempting to play some Cat’s Cradle
But the move she called “Neck-sies” is what proved to be fatal.

Monsters in Your House: The Constrictor Worm

Constrictor Worms look just like ties
And come from Zanzibar.
And since you can’t tell tie from worm
They are the worst by far.

The worm hangs in your closet
And will get you in a jiffy
When you have to get all dressed-up nice
And looking sharp and spiffy.

The worm will tighten ‘round your neck
Until you hit the ground.
Then it just unwraps itself
And swallows you right down.

It’s easy to avoid the worm,
A fact you can’t deny.
To live a happy, worm-free life
Just never wear a tie.

Little Nell

Little Nell fell in a wok
And that's not very nice.
She's now known as a "Number 6"
Or simply "Nell Fried rice".

An Important Dating Lesson

Whenever girls kissed Reggie Glott
They always screamed and spat a lot.
He’d plant one on them then they’d say,
“PTOOIE!” and then run away.

Now Reg was handsome, quite a catch.
It’s just his kisses weren’t up to scratch.
“It’s not my breath. That smells like mint.
So why do the girls all shriek and squint?”

So Reggie lived in stupefaction
Due to the girls unwanted reaction.
And the rule Reg ignored in relationships?
Don’t use your own earwax to moisten your lips.

Benjamin Spears

Benjamin Spears
Was born without ears
So the thought of him reading was gone.

His eyeballs still see’ed
And Ben could still read
But his glasses just wouldn’t stay on.

Little Nell

Little Nell liked throwing rocks
From pebble-sized to boulders.
A heavy one took Nellie's arms
And wrenched them from her shoulders.

Poultry Pox

Itchy little boils
Pop up on your skin.
They’re bumpy little blotches
With a greasy cream within.

Similar to pimples
They cause your flesh to thicken.
Whoever named these pox was right.
‘Cause they sure do taste like chicken!

Buck-Toothed Ruth

Buck-toothed Ruth was quite uncouth.
She lived and worked in old Duluth.
Her fountain of youth, to tell the truth,
Was drinking lots of dry vermouth.
Then Buck-toothed Ruth lost work, forsooth.
No one went to her kissing booth.

Monsters in Your House: The Flitture

The Flitture’s flat, the Flitture’s white and looks like facial tissue.
It nestles in the Kleenex box and it will never miss you.

You’ll never see it sitting there, all soft and quiet-like.
The Flitture’s very patient, that is ‘til its time to strike.

You’ll pull one out to wipe your nose or when you gotta sneeze.
It then plants eggs inside your snoot and gives you nostril fleas.

Don’t listen to your parents ‘cause it’s one of their pet peeves.
But if you have to wipe your nose just learn to use your sleeves.

Breakfast Cereals You Might Want To Avoid

Corn flakes can cure your hunger woes.
But not if the flakes come from corns on your toes.

Breakfast cereals can help curb your munchies.
But not if you’re gobbling “Sugar Scab Crunchies.”

Use a small spoon with your “Skunk Bottom Pops.”
And “Sugar Frosted Dandruff Bombs” are really not the tops.

“Uncle Abner’s Gristle-O’s”
Are as bad as a box of “Chunks From Your Nose.”

And “Spoon-Sized Shredded Choco-Dungs”
Are equally harmful as “Hummingbird Lungs.”

So just say “no” to “Bloody Oats”
And don’t put “Newt Loops” down your throats.

Epitaphs I

On to beyond goes Gwendolyn Feeney
She choked to death on a cocktail weenie.
She didn’t pass on from the hot dog served.
She swallowed the toothpick that was in the hors d’oeuvre.

Little Nell

Little Nell liked hugging trees
And moved out West to practice.
On her first day she passed away
Because she hugged a cactus.

The Wheeler Twins

The Wheeler twins were born the same,
Identical, no doubt.
Both normal ‘cept for one thing;
They were both born inside out.

Their outsides all were inside
And their innards were displayed
To the packs of dogs that chased them
If they went outside and played.

Now you won’t see the twins
And that may leave you in a quandary.
They never leave the house
Because they’re always doing laundry.

Tommy Balammi

There was a little baby
And some folks would say, just maybe,
That it’s such a shame this kid was even born.

The kids’ first name was Tommy
And his last name was Balammi
And this boys birth sign was that of Capricorn.

Now Tom had an affliction
That messed up stance and diction
And his use of pencils, slippers, forks and phones.

With little contemplating
And even lesser time debating
You could see that Tom was born without no bones.

Tom was not a walker
And not known much as a talker
And his parents carried him inside a bucket.

‘Cause of his boneless flaws
Tommy ate his meals through straws
And a sponge placed in his mouth so he could suck it.

It’s true Tommy’s life was rougher
And come Halloween was tougher
‘Cause his costumes were more specialized than some.

But the best one, he’d conclude,
Was to trick or treat all nude
And go door to door as chewed up bubble gum.

Little Nell

Little Nell went hiking
And she wore her favorite bonnet.
A hunter took her down because
The hat had antlers on it.

Little Nell

Little Nell made window drapes
And they were colored red.
She went to hang the curtains
And hung herself instead.

Fletcher’s Goiter

Fletcher had a goiter
From his neck the growth was swellin’.
Fletch looked like he had consumed
A rather large-sized melon.

He saw a doctor only once
And never had a foller up.
He simply wore his shirts reversed
And always wore the collar up.

Snot Recipe

Dry a bowl of honey
In time you’ll have some sugar.
Unwet that runny nose
And presto! It’s a booger.

High Pants Man (a jump-rope rhyme)

High Pants Man, High Pants Man,
Sittin’ on the bus Mr. High Pants Man.
Lookin’ for a quarter? Lookin’ for a locket?
Lookin’ for something down deep in your pocket?

Gonna ride the bus ‘til half-past two.
Mr. hHigh Pants Man always lookin’ at you.
Lookin’ for a quarter or keys to a Chevy?
How many seconds ‘til he breathes heavy?

1,2,3,4,5,6………………………………….