Slug

Slug, oh slug.
Not a worm nor a bug.
You’re squishy and easy to chase.

I can’t nap on the lawn
‘Cause on me you’ll crawl on
And leave slime trails all over my face.

The Awful Truth About Bellybuttons

From the time you are a baby
‘Til the time you’re old and smelly,
There is a little dimple
In the middle of your belly.

Some people call it “navel”
Or simply call it “button”.
You’ve got one if you’re skinny
Or if you are a glutton.

Some are big like dinner plates
Or tiny like a mint.
But either if they’re "in" or "out"
They all collect some lint.

So here’s a secret you should know
And it may make you scoff.
But if you press your navel in
Your butt will drop right off.

Crazy Pizza Guy

Crazy little pizza guy
Used to be a lawyer.
He said to me, “That’s fourteen bucks.
I slept with Dianne Sawyer.”

Order up a plain calzone
With spicy garlic bread.
“Six fifteen’s your total, sir.
There’s Twinkies in my head.”

Chicken cutlet parmigiana
With lots of extra cheese.
“Satan swims inside my pants.
That’s seven dollars, please.”

Pizza boxes stacked with care.
Pasta dishes bake-ed.
“Here’s your change and come again.
‘Cause I’m the God of Naked.”

When You Wish Upon Some Spit…

When you walk on down the street
There will be spit beneath your feet.
When you spot that gob down there
Offer up this little prayer:

Glisten, glisten glob of spit.
On the sidewalk you do sit.
In my mouth you’re usually found.
Now you slicken-up the ground.
Glisten little glob of spew.
Make this wish of mine come true.

Chihuahua Headed Ted

Ted had a Chihuahua head
It wasn’t all too man-ish.
He didn’t mind the buggy eyes
It’s just he spoke no Spanish.

Little No-Face

There was a precious little girl
She didn’t have a face.
Just perfect, smooth unblemished skin
That took her features place.

No eyes to tear, no teeth to floss,
No breath all hot and stinky.
But with no nose she found she had
No place to put her pinky.

Necessity Is Very Much So, The Mother of Invention

There was a guy named Hairy Bob
‘Cause hairless he sure wasn’t.
He had a wife named Norma Belle
Who may have been his cousin.

Norma’s birthday was that day.
Bob knew not what to get her.
So he shaved some patches off his back
And knitted her a sweater.

Cheese

Yellow or white
Creamy like silk.
When will you see
That you’re just hardened milk?

The Healthy Little Couple

In town known as Nervosa in the county know as Gaunt
Lived a healthy little couple and they owned a restaurant.
The husbands name was Woodrow and his spouse went by Batik
And they kept the restaurant running seven days of every week.

The restaurant was a special one and served up healthy items
Like arugala-topped tree bark chips and broiled acorn bite-‘ems.
There was no beef, there was no pork, no chicken and no scrod.
Just mounds of pure organic food grown in organic sod.

The healthy couple served their food to folks from near and far.
But the duo, that’s Batik and “Wood”, were the healthiest by far.
Not only did they eat the food they cooked up every day,
But they exercised their bodies in a very healthy way.

They rose each morn at four A.M. for jogging ‘round Lake Caster
Then weights, then step aerobics then a hike on the Stair Master.
Yoga, stretching, then Tai Chi while getting wrapped in seaweed,
Then off they’d go to cook their pancakes made from homemade birdseed.

“It feels so good to be so fit! We are so fit and good!”
And this went on for quite some time both for Batik and “Wood”.
They lived their lives so full of health down to each passing second.
But all that changed some time last year, around May 5th I reckon.

The day began, as others did, at four A.M. with running.
But the healthy couple couldn’t see the glitch that was a-coming.
For as they started working out and lifting weights galore
They both had massive heart attacks and died there on the floor.

And as with many tales of rhyme with rhythmic lines of verse,
There is a moral to this tale, for better or for worse.
Living life chock full of health sounds lovely in the head, but
No matter how you live your life, you’re gonna end up dead.