I've Lost My Neck

I can't seem to locate my neck anywhere.
The loss of it's leaving me seething.
It angers me greatly and just for one point;
My bow ties prevent me from breathing.

Daniel McFries

Daniel McFries had dangerous eyes
And you would be scared if he met ya's.
Not that you'd fear his look were he near
But because he had lazer-beam retinas.

A Wildlife Question That Has Plagued Me For Decades

A slug in a shell or a snail, if you will
Is really the strangest of things.
It doesn't have fur or a beak or a snout
And it certainly doesn't have wings.

There's a shell curly-que and a long trail of goo
And eye stalks that constantly droop.
But it's body's concealed and I just want to know;
Where it deposits it's poop.

It Depends On How You Look At Things

I somehow got a rash
And I didn't spend no cash.
I got the rash for free
And now it's part of me.

I woke with it one morn
And that's when it was born.
A flaky little bubble
That soon grew into trouble.

It started on my chest
And then it did it's best
To grow and even more-so,
To cover up my torso.

It spread out to my limbs,
My thighs and knees and shins.
The rash grwe everywhere
(It even grew 'down there').

And sure as pigs are flabby
All my skin grew scabby;
An epidermal fuss
Of rashy, ooze-y pus.

It now looks like I'm meltin'
And ointments just ain't helpin'.
Outside I won't be gettin'
'Cause I'm all stuck to my bedding.

It's looking very dire
And I know I will expire.
But I'm happy with the fact
At least my lips aren't chapped.

The Tragic Tale of Tiny Lil and Wrinkled Dan

Tiny Lil and Wrinkled Dan
Were such a happy pair.
They lived outside of Boston
In a town not far from there.

Lil was nick-named "Tiny"
'Cause she weren't large in height.
Lil stood just two inches high
Which ain't that big, all right?

Wrinkled Dan was aptly named
'Cause he had yards of skin,
All deeply filled with fleshy folds
On neck and legs and chin.

Now one day after working late
Down at the Waffle House,
Wrinkled Dan came home to meet
Tiny Lil his spouse.

They kissed and hugged and danced a jig
And then they ate a meal
Of waffles Dan brought home from work
Along with corn and veal.

Then the couple went to bed
All comfy, warm and covered.
But tragedy would soon set in
As Wrinkled Dan discovered.

When Dan awoke he was alone;
No Tiny Lil in sight.
It seemed that Lil had vanished
In the middle of the night.

Wrinkled Dan looked high and low,
He even looked around.
But everywhere that Dan did look
Lil could not be found.

And just when Dan had given up
He realized something gruesome.
The reason that both he and Lil
Would never be a two-some.

Sometime in teh dark of night
When all was hushed and still,
A restless, sleeping, Wrinkled Dan
Had rolled on top of Lil.

The fleshy folds on Wrinkled Dan
Were half of Lil's demise.
The other part, of course was her
So very tiny size.

The cause of death left Wrinkled Dan
Far from jubilation.
Encased in wrinkles, Tiny Lil,
Died of suffocation.

Little Nell loved watching trains.
The East-bound ones were best.
She’s dead because she didn’t see
The freight train headed West.

Little Nell wore rocket shoes
So she could jump much higher.
She put the shoes on upside-down
And set her hands on fire.

Yeah, I Have A Question.....

So why is that called mince meat pie?
There ain't no meat that I can spy.

The Time Line Of: A Booger

Scraped from nose, consumed if able
Or smeared beneath the kitchen table.

The Time Line Of: A Pimple

Dirt/pore introduction
Then pressurised eruption.

Epitaphs XIV

Here entombed lies Karl Hoyt
Whose death was far from gentle.
An overdose of laxatives
Was very detrimental.

Farmer Ted

Farmer Ted wore bacon pants
That everybody sniffed.
The smell made all the barnyard grin.
Except the pigs were miffed.

The Story of Punch and Judy

Punch and Judy were a pair.
Both were short with purple hair.
Both preferred their steaks done rare.
They were the perfect couple.

Punch's name was quite the fit
From a habit that hurt a bit.
He'd always swing and punch and hit.
Judy was just called Judy.

One day Punch got very mad
And he did something awf'ly bad.
Punch hit Judy. What a cad!
But that is not the ending.

Judy dialed 9-1-1.
Then she went and got a gun.
And then while Punch had turned to run
She shot him in the heinie.

Punch got busted. Punch got burned.
But there was knowledge that was learned.
For Punch, the lesson that he learned?
Never hit a girl.

Little Nell liked hugging trees
And moved out West to practice.
On her first day she passed away
Because she hugged a cactus.

Names For Things

Open up some clams or corn
And then you are a shucker".
Pull the feathers from a hen
And you're a "chicken plucker".

Two male twins that drive big rigs
Are known as "brother truckers".
And people who aren't nice to you
Are known as mean spirited folks who must belittle others in order to make themselves feel superior.

Donny's Life

Donny lived a shady life;
A checkered past at best.
But best to live a checkered life
Then live a life that's chess-ed.

Bashful's Deathbed Confession

You're very well-acquainted
Withe those seven famous dwarves.
You know they loved that girl Snow White
And mining was their chore.
You know they whistled while they worked
And helped that guy Prince Charming.
But at one time their count was eight.
Now isn't that alarming.

The eighth one's name was Stabby
He was real good with a knife
And while Dopey was there to make you laugh,
Stabby was there to fight.
He always carried on him
A half-a-dozen blades.
He was always smoking cigarettes
And wearing dark black shades.

When problems sprouted in the group
- If they were small or large-
Stabby would step to the front
And tell who was in charge.
"Listen up, you little pukes
Before you all need stitches.
I'm in charge, what I say goes,
You dwarfy little bitches."

The other seven lived in fear
Of Stabby and his knives.
'Cause if they doubted Stabby's laws
They knew he'd take their lives.
So late one night with Stabby drunk
The seven hatched a plot
To rid the world of Stabby dwarf
And make sure he got got.

They waited until morning
Then the seven took their spot.
Armed with sticks and pipes and bats
They stood 'round Stabby's cot.
Then Happy gave the signal and the blows just kept repeatin'.
With pipes and bats and tiny fists
They gave that dwarf a beatin'.

\The seven clobbered Stabby
And then pummelled him some more.
They beat him until he was just
A smear upon teh floor.
The seven picked up Stabby's corpse; all busted, dead and drippy,
And packed in a cooler
Which was postmarked "Mississippi".

They mailed the body, mopped the floor,
They even burned his shoes.
The seven dwarves got rid of all
Incriminating clues.
Then the seven made a pact
And took a vow of silence
To never mention Stabby's name
Or that day of ultra-violence.

And to this day the seven kept
Their silent dwarfen vow.
And no one knew of Stabby's death
That is, of course, 'til now.

Epitaphs XIII

Here’s the remains of Barbara Hoken.
Carved in stone her last words spoken;
“Lend me your car and I’m not jokin’.
I don’t care if the brakes are broken.”

Epitaphs XII

Here lies the body of Myron Clampet.
His tongue was on fire and he tried to stamp it.

Epitaphs XI

Here lies the body of Michael McZuggs
Who’s unfortunate passing was brought on by slugs.
No garden-y types made Mike meet Saint Peter.
These slugs were shot out of a nine millimeter.

A Loss For Words.

Doggies woof.
Kitties purr.
Birdies tweet.
Mosquitoes whirr.
Piggies oink.
Horses neigh.
What the heck
Do maggots say?

Scabby-Belle The Healing Pixie

If you scrape or cut your skin
On knives or glass or kelp,
Don't you fear, the wound will heal
And Scabby-Belle will help.

She flies into your room at night
When you are sleepy snoozy.
And the nasty cut you got that day
Is still all moist and oozy.

She licks the cut and waves her wand
And teh ooze turns stiff and lumpy.
A healing gift from Scabby-Belle
All nice and hard and bumpy.

Three Alternatives To The "Baby, Baby, Stick Your Head In Gravy" Taunt

1) Lemur, Lemur!
Ring-tailed lemur!
Hopping 'round in Africa
Until you broke your femur!

2) Tape worm, tape worm!
Parasitic tape worm!
Brush your teeth with kerosene
And moisturise with ape sperm!

3) Beaver, beaver!
Rifle-toting beaver!
Worshipper of Beelzebub;
The ultimate deceiver!

Little Nell

Little Nell was ironing;
A chore she thought was dumb.
But Nellie got distracted
And she flattened out her thumb.

Little Nell

Little Nell slept peacefully
Throughout the winter season.
But when it turned to springtime
She exploded for no reason.

All Hallow's Eve?

Put on masks and costumes!
Buy candy at the store!
Carve up Jack-O-Lanterns!
Then carve 'em up some more!

Let's go out trick or treating!
But what's that fact you mention?
It's January 26th?!?
I should pay more attention.

Timmy Tick

Timmy Tick lived on a dog.
The ear was where he aboded.
Tim gulped so much canine blood
That parasite exploded.

The Unfortunate Demise of The Milk Carton Lady

Milk Carton Lady was surprised to meet her fate.
She simply should have gone and read her expiration date.