Babies pt. I

Very tiny, little folks
With wretched walking talents.
Their mouths stay open when they walk.
They use the drool for balance.

Babies pt.II

Change is for the better
Or else the diaper just gets wetter.

Mr. Craig's Fables: The Story of Fatty Ham Cat

Not long ago in a town just over there,………

there lived a cat that looked just how a cat should look. He had two pointy ears, a long tail, a little pink tongue and he was furry. But there were two things that made this cat just a little bit different.
One thing was this cat was very, VERY fat.
And the second thing was this cat smelled like ham.
So people called him………..Fatty Ham Cat.
Fatty Ham Cat liked to eat.
Fatty Ham Cat liked to sleep.
And Fatty Ham Cat liked to dream.
One day, Fatty Ham Cat woke up from a great dream, ate breakfast and went for a walk. And everywhere that Fatty Ham Cat went, people were not very nice to him.
They said things like, “Ew!”
And “Gross!”
And “Yuck! You smell like ham!”
This made Fatty Ham Cat mad.
“What’s the big deal!” he yelled. “I smell like ham! So what?!? It could be worse! I could smell like cheese underpants!”
So Fatty Ham Cat went out each day to do his cat chores knowing that people didn’t like the way he smelled.
That Thursday while he stood in line at the sock store, Fatty Ham Cat noticed something unusual.
The lady behind him wasn’t complaining that he smelled like ham.
In fact, she was standing very close to him and smelling him and smiling.
When she noticed what she was doing she apologized.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just love the smell of ham.”
“You do?” said Fatty Ham Cat.
“Yes. How would you like to come live with me?” she asked.
“What would I have to do?” asked Fatty Ham Cat.
“Oh, nothing. Just sleep and dream and eat the food I make you. All you would have to do is smell like ham.”
“I can sure do that!” exclaimed Fatty Ham Cat.
So Fatty Ham Cat went home with the woman and she made him a big batch of mouse cakes for dinner.
And as Fatty Ham Cat slept and dreamed, the lady sniffed him and smiled.

Monsters in Your House: The Pant-a-Loon

The Pant-a-Loon lives in your pants and in your leiderhosen.
It’s thin and soft and lives wrapped up inside the pants you’ve chosen.

It slithers in a pants leg, either left one or the right ones.
Its favorites are the baggy kind and always shuns the tight ones.

The Pant-a-Loon sleeps patiently until you put on slacks
And then the flat and sneaky beast awakens and attacks.

The way you beat the Pant-a-Loon and not end up its food?
You simply must take off your pants and walk around half-nude.

Epitaphs III

Here I lie,
Weiling Chan,
Sliced to death by a ceiling fan.
I rest now in heaven
And hear angels chatter
All the while looking
Like a cold deli platter.

Little Nell

Little Nell ate honey
Directly from the hive.
If Nell had just removed the bees
She still might be alive.

Connie, The Piercing Fanatic

She pierced her earlobes one by one.
Then pierced them twelve more times for fun.

And soon her lobes were filled with rings
So Connie punctured other things.

Her eyebrows were the next things skewered,
One hundred rings, so mark my word.

Off her nose ten rings were hung
And then nine barbells through her tongue.

With no room left upon her face
She went and pierced near everyplace.

Connie pierced her body speedily
‘Til all her skin was pierced and needle-y.

She went outside to show the world.
But just then dark storm clouds unfurled.

It rained on Connie, now she’s gone.
She rusted to death right there on the lawn.