Ookie Poems for Creepy Children

Be Careful What You Pick and Eat.

2012-01-30T09:54:00.000-08:00

I ate the berry "Straw".
I ate the berry "Blue".
I ate the berry "Raz"
And I ate the "Huckle" too.

I ate the berry "Boysen"
But the fact that stays as single,
I never have and never will
Eat the berry "Dingle

Updated Little Tea Pot song.

2012-01-30T09:51:00.000-08:00

I'm a little shot glass
Drip, drip, drop!
Narrow at the bottom
Wider at the top!

Fill me up with whiskey
Drink don't stop!
'Til your liver falls out
Ker-Plop!

2012-01-30T09:47:00.000-08:00

Little Nell fell in a wok
And that's not very nice.
She's now known as a "Number 6"
Or simply "Nell Fried Rice".

I've Lost My Neck

2011-11-28T14:00:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to locate my neck anywhere.
The loss of it's leaving me seething.
It angers me greatly and just for one point;
My bow ties prevent me from breathing.

Daniel McFries

2011-11-28T13:58:00.000-08:00

Daniel McFries had dangerous eyes
And you would be scared if he met ya's.
Not that you'd fear his look were he near
But because he had lazer-beam retinas.

A Wildlife Question That Has Plagued Me For Decades

2011-11-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

A slug in a shell or a snail, if you will
Is really the strangest of things.
It doesn't have fur or a beak or a snout
And it certainly doesn't have wings.

There's a shell curly-que and a long trail of goo
And eye stalks that constantly droop.
But it's body's concealed and I just want to know;
Where it deposits it's poop.

It Depends On How You Look At Things

2011-10-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

I somehow got a rash
And I didn't spend no cash.
I got the rash for free
And now it's part of me.

I woke with it one morn
And that's when it was born.
A flaky little bubble
That soon grew into trouble.

It started on my chest
And then it did it's best
To grow and even more-so,
To cover up my torso.

It spread out to my limbs,
My thighs and knees and shins.
The rash grwe everywhere
(It even grew 'down there').

And sure as pigs are flabby
All my skin grew scabby;
An epidermal fuss
Of rashy, ooze-y pus.

It now looks like I'm meltin'
And ointments just ain't helpin'.
Outside I won't be gettin'
'Cause I'm all stuck to my bedding.

It's looking very dire
And I know I will expire.
But I'm happy with the fact
At least my lips aren't chapped.

The Tragic Tale of Tiny Lil and Wrinkled Dan

2011-10-31T08:47:00.000-07:00

Tiny Lil and Wrinkled Dan
Were such a happy pair.
They lived outside of Boston
In a town not far from there.

Lil was nick-named "Tiny"
'Cause she weren't large in height.
Lil stood just two inches high
Which ain't that big, all right?

Wrinkled Dan was aptly named
'Cause he had yards of skin,
All deeply filled with fleshy folds
On neck and legs and chin.

Now one day after working late
Down at the Waffle House,
Wrinkled Dan came home to meet
Tiny Lil his spouse.

They kissed and hugged and danced a jig
And then they ate a meal
Of waffles Dan brought home from work
Along with corn and veal.

Then the couple went to bed
All comfy, warm and covered.
But tragedy would soon set in
As Wrinkled Dan discovered.

When Dan awoke he was alone;
No Tiny Lil in sight.
It seemed that Lil had vanished
In the middle of the night.

Wrinkled Dan looked high and low,
He even looked around.
But everywhere that Dan did look
Lil could not be found.

And just when Dan had given up
He realized something gruesome.
The reason that both he and Lil
Would never be a two-some.

Sometime in teh dark of night
When all was hushed and still,
A restless, sleeping, Wrinkled Dan
Had rolled on top of Lil.

The fleshy folds on Wrinkled Dan
Were half of Lil's demise.
The other part, of course was her
So very tiny size.

The cause of death left Wrinkled Dan
Far from jubilation.
Encased in wrinkles, Tiny Lil,
Died of suffocation.

2011-07-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Little Nell loved watching trains.
The East-bound ones were best.
She’s dead because she didn’t see
The freight train headed West.

2011-07-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Little Nell wore rocket shoes
So she could jump much higher.
She put the shoes on upside-down
And set her hands on fire.

Yeah, I Have A Question.....

2011-06-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

So why is that called mince meat pie?
There ain't no meat that I can spy.

The Time Line Of: A Booger

2011-06-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

Scraped from nose, consumed if able
Or smeared beneath the kitchen table.

The Time Line Of: A Pimple

2011-06-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

Dirt/pore introduction
Then pressurised eruption.

Epitaphs XIV

2011-06-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

Here entombed lies Karl Hoyt
Whose death was far from gentle.
An overdose of laxatives
Was very detrimental.

Farmer Ted

2011-04-11T16:16:00.001-07:00

Farmer Ted wore bacon pants
That everybody sniffed.
The smell made all the barnyard grin.
Except the pigs were miffed.

The Story of Punch and Judy

2011-04-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

Punch and Judy were a pair.
Both were short with purple hair.
Both preferred their steaks done rare.
They were the perfect couple.

Punch's name was quite the fit
From a habit that hurt a bit.
He'd always swing and punch and hit.
Judy was just called Judy.

One day Punch got very mad
And he did something awf'ly bad.
Punch hit Judy. What a cad!
But that is not the ending.

Judy dialed 9-1-1.
Then she went and got a gun.
And then while Punch had turned to run
She shot him in the heinie.

Punch got busted. Punch got burned.
But there was knowledge that was learned.
For Punch, the lesson that he learned?
Never hit a girl.

2011-04-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

Little Nell liked hugging trees
And moved out West to practice.
On her first day she passed away
Because she hugged a cactus.

Names For Things

2011-04-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

Open up some clams or corn
And then you are a shucker".
Pull the feathers from a hen
And you're a "chicken plucker".

Two male twins that drive big rigs
Are known as "brother truckers".
And people who aren't nice to you
Are known as mean spirited folks who must belittle others in order to make themselves feel superior.

Donny's Life

2011-04-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

Donny lived a shady life;
A checkered past at best.
But best to live a checkered life
Then live a life that's chess-ed.

Bashful's Deathbed Confession

2011-03-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

You're very well-acquainted
Withe those seven famous dwarves.
You know they loved that girl Snow White
And mining was their chore.
You know they whistled while they worked
And helped that guy Prince Charming.
But at one time their count was eight.
Now isn't that alarming.

The eighth one's name was Stabby
He was real good with a knife
And while Dopey was there to make you laugh,
Stabby was there to fight.
He always carried on him
A half-a-dozen blades.
He was always smoking cigarettes
And wearing dark black shades.

When problems sprouted in the group
- If they were small or large-
Stabby would step to the front
And tell who was in charge.
"Listen up, you little pukes
Before you all need stitches.
I'm in charge, what I say goes,
You dwarfy little bitches."

The other seven lived in fear
Of Stabby and his knives.
'Cause if they doubted Stabby's laws
They knew he'd take their lives.
So late one night with Stabby drunk
The seven hatched a plot
To rid the world of Stabby dwarf
And make sure he got got.

They waited until morning
Then the seven took their spot.
Armed with sticks and pipes and bats
They stood 'round Stabby's cot.
Then Happy gave the signal and the blows just kept repeatin'.
With pipes and bats and tiny fists
They gave that dwarf a beatin'.

\The seven clobbered Stabby
And then pummelled him some more.
They beat him until he was just
A smear upon teh floor.
The seven picked up Stabby's corpse; all busted, dead and drippy,
And packed in a cooler
Which was postmarked "Mississippi".

They mailed the body, mopped the floor,
They even burned his shoes.
The seven dwarves got rid of all
Incriminating clues.
Then the seven made a pact
And took a vow of silence
To never mention Stabby's name
Or that day of ultra-violence.

And to this day the seven kept
Their silent dwarfen vow.
And no one knew of Stabby's death
That is, of course, 'til now.

Epitaphs XIII

2011-02-27T12:53:00.001-08:00

Here’s the remains of Barbara Hoken.
Carved in stone her last words spoken;
“Lend me your car and I’m not jokin’.
I don’t care if the brakes are broken.”

Epitaphs XII

2011-02-27T12:51:00.000-08:00

Here lies the body of Myron Clampet.
His tongue was on fire and he tried to stamp it.

Epitaphs XI

2011-02-27T12:50:00.000-08:00

Here lies the body of Michael McZuggs
Who’s unfortunate passing was brought on by slugs.
No garden-y types made Mike meet Saint Peter.
These slugs were shot out of a nine millimeter.

A Loss For Words.

2011-02-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

Doggies woof.
Kitties purr.
Birdies tweet.
Mosquitoes whirr.
Piggies oink.
Horses neigh.
What the heck
Do maggots say?

Scabby-Belle The Healing Pixie

2011-02-13T09:03:00.000-08:00

If you scrape or cut your skin
On knives or glass or kelp,
Don't you fear, the wound will heal
And Scabby-Belle will help.

She flies into your room at night
When you are sleepy snoozy.
And the nasty cut you got that day
Is still all moist and oozy.

She licks the cut and waves her wand
And teh ooze turns stiff and lumpy.
A healing gift from Scabby-Belle
All nice and hard and bumpy.

Three Alternatives To The "Baby, Baby, Stick Your Head In Gravy" Taunt

2011-02-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

1) Lemur, Lemur!
Ring-tailed lemur!
Hopping 'round in Africa
Until you broke your femur!

2) Tape worm, tape worm!
Parasitic tape worm!
Brush your teeth with kerosene
And moisturise with ape sperm!

3) Beaver, beaver!
Rifle-toting beaver!
Worshipper of Beelzebub;
The ultimate deceiver!

Little Nell

2011-02-02T13:07:00.001-08:00

Little Nell was ironing;
A chore she thought was dumb.
But Nellie got distracted
And she flattened out her thumb.

Little Nell

2011-02-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

Little Nell slept peacefully
Throughout the winter season.
But when it turned to springtime
She exploded for no reason.

All Hallow's Eve?

2011-01-26T15:33:00.000-08:00

Put on masks and costumes!
Buy candy at the store!
Carve up Jack-O-Lanterns!
Then carve 'em up some more!

Let's go out trick or treating!
But what's that fact you mention?
It's January 26th?!?
I should pay more attention.

Timmy Tick

2011-01-26T15:31:00.000-08:00

Timmy Tick lived on a dog.
The ear was where he aboded.
Tim gulped so much canine blood
That parasite exploded.

The Unfortunate Demise of The Milk Carton Lady

2011-01-26T15:29:00.000-08:00

Milk Carton Lady was surprised to meet her fate.
She simply should have gone and read her expiration date.

The Fate Of A Duo Of Deer OR A Long Way To Go For A Pun

2010-11-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

Two reindeer you might recognize-
A Rudolph and a Cupid-
Decided being nice was dumb
And started acting stupid.

They both said, "We will do some crimes!"
And set about their plan
To rob the world of rich desserts;
Namely cakes and flan.

They saw themselves as pirates
So with 12-inch kitchen matches,
They each poked out one of their eyes
And sported nifty patches.

They walked the streets and yelled their plans,
These antler-ed buccaneers.
And everyone who heard their yells said,
"Those are bad eye deers."

The Forseen Yet Ignored Death Of The Milk Carton Lady

2010-11-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

The Milk Carton lady
Was surprised to meet her fate.
She should've simply read
Her expiration date.

2010-11-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

Little Nell, she played the harp.
“I’m good,” is what she said.
She lost her footing, fell and now
Resembles sliced up bread.

The Unfortunate Demise of Barney The Weightlifter

2010-08-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

Barney worked out in the gym.
But not to keep his body slim.
Tremendous size was all for him.
So Barney lifted weights.

He worked his form from head to toe.
But still his growth was much too slow.
So steroids helped his muscles grow.
Barney grew enormous.

Barney's clothes soon didn't fit.
And all his pants and t-shirts split.
But through this Barney didn't quit.
He just kept on lifting.

One day while trying to impress Beth,
Barn breathed his final monstrous breath
He flexed and crushed himself to death.
Barney self-imploded.

The Cannibal Diner

2010-08-04T17:30:00.000-07:00

The Cannibal Diner serves up meals
Of muscle, bone and sinew.
On second thought, I'll stop this poem.
It's too gross to continue.

Ginny and Her Mole

2010-08-04T17:28:00.001-07:00

Little Ginny had a mole.
She had it on her cheek.
She called the mole a "beauty mark"
And thought herself quite chic.

But Little Ginny had no friends
And caused tremendous hype
Because the mole on Ginny's chin
Was of the rodent type.

What If....

2010-07-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

What if you had a flip-top head
With a hinge at the back of your neck?
You would need a latch just under your chin
To keep your head-flopping in check.

But other than that it would be really nice
When drinking a cold, ice cream float.
Just flip back your head, grab onto the glass
And pour the drink straight down your throat.

Epitaphs X

2010-07-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

Here in the earth is Juanita DeFudds
Who passed when she fell in a pile of spuds.
She would have survived and not lay lengthwise
If she weren’t peeled and sliced and served as french fries.

2010-07-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

Little Nell read paperbacks
Then licked the books she read.
One million tiny paper cuts
Is the reason Nellie’s dead.

Shaven Davey

2010-06-17T16:50:00.001-07:00

Davey went and shaved his beard
And what a mood he’s in.
‘Cause when he clipped his face hair off
He found he had no chin.

Now with no chin, Dave went insane
And thought he was Abe Lincoln.
‘Cause Dave found out he had no part
To scratch when he was thinkin’.

Those Shiny Kids

2010-06-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

Those shiny kids were one foot tall.
Yup, they were kind of tiny.
But they made up for being small
‘Cause man, those kids were shiny.

Those shiny kids, both girls and boys,
Were just as bald as eggs.
Just shiny skin, no hair at all
In armpits or on legs.

Those shiny kids were always dressed
In foil pants and blazers.
They bought their duds with cash they saved
From never buying razors.

2010-06-17T16:42:00.000-07:00

Little Nell went picnic-ing
And wore her taffy pants.
She died when both of Nellie’s legs
Were gobbled off by ants.

Dog Poop

2010-05-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

In my yard, a tube of waste.
I surely do not wannit.
For with bare feet, I surely know,
That I will trod upon it.

2010-05-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

Little Nell, she played the harp.
“I’m good,” is what she said.
She tripped and fell on it and now
Resembles sliced up bread.

Invention #1

2010-04-19T05:52:00.000-07:00

I think I'll invent "Mental Floss"
To thread my brain throughout.
So when bad songs get stuck in there
I'm sure to pluck them out.

Grandma's Excess Chin Skin

2010-04-19T05:51:00.000-07:00

Grandma had a turkey neck,
All wrinkled up and clammy.
A strong breeze caught and picked her up
And sailed her to Miami.

Jenny and Her Face

2010-03-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

Jenny always wore a veil
Fashioned from a doily.
Jenny wore the mask
Because her face was very oily.

She entered in a beauty show
And wound up in last place.
Jenny's skin was so slicked-up
Her nose slid off her face.

Little Nell

2010-03-21T20:45:00.001-07:00

Little Nell wore cheese perfume.
She only wore it twice.
The second time, sweet darling Nell,
Was chewed apart by mice.

Little Nell

2010-03-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

Little Nell, her hair fell out
From acid she was sloshin’.
It’s true she’s got less hair to clean
But lots more face for washin’.

Why Crabs Only Know One Dance

2010-03-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

Crabs live in the ocean
So they have an brine-y smell.
They have six legs on both their sides
And live inside their shell.
They have two claws to pinch their dates
At the Crabby Dance on Fridays.
But crabs can only tango 'cause
Crabs, they just walk sideways.

Epitaphs IX

2010-03-06T17:12:00.000-08:00

Accept into Heaven Ms. Betsy Dannear
Who sadly passed on at the start of this year.
She toasted with champagne and drank quite a lot.
She was so full of bubbles she popped on the spot.

Alternatives To The Harmless “Bed Bug” Rhyme Said To Children Before They Go To Sleep

2010-02-24T16:31:00.000-08:00

Good night little one.
Now the day is all done.
And look out for the creature that bites you for fun.

And as the sun goes
Time for all kids to doze.
And beware of the ghost that will peel off your toes.

The Sandman has said,
“Time to snooze, sleepyhead.”
And don’t think of the spears that shoot up through your bed.

As sleep fills this space
Full of moonbeams and lace,
Look out for the thing that will gnaw off your face.

Have pleasant dreams
Of dancing ice creams.
And pay you no mind to those blood-curdling screams.

May the soft lullabies
Keep you safe ‘til sunrise
And demons love darkness so don’t shut your eyes.

Try not to pause it,
That Sandman’s deposit.
And watch for the lunatic crouched in your closet.

Little Nell

2010-02-24T16:18:00.000-08:00

Little Nell cooked Bar-B-Que.
She loved the taste of it.
Her pig roast ended very wrong.
She wound up on the spit.

The Kipper Twins

2010-02-15T07:36:00.000-08:00

The Kipper twins, born without shins
Lived in a tissue box.
With no leg bones, the Kipper clones,
Wore no shoes or socks.

The Kipper pair, that’s Burt and Claire,
Danced with little poise.
For when they grooved and pranced and moved
They made a flapping noise.

Tomato Underwear

2010-02-15T07:33:00.000-08:00

Beefsteak or Heirloom
Green or Organic
Tomato-made skivvies
Might stir up a panic.

While walking and sitting
You just might feel "bossy".
But honestly speaking,
You'll only feel "saucy".

Epitaphs VIII

2010-01-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

Lacerated to death
Here's Chipper Von Vanne.
Cut down from this life
When the Chip hit the fan.

Little Nell

2010-01-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

Little Nell loved jewelry
And Nell’s a wretched swimmer.
She dove in, sank and can’t be reached
Not even with the skimmer.

Tami's Lips

2010-01-31T08:21:00.001-08:00

Tami had enormous lips
Underneath her nose.
They looked quite nice 'cept they were huge
And hung down to her toes.

One windy day a gale blew through
And got her lips a-flapping.
And in four days she passed away.
The cause? Excessive chapping.

Marcia’s Weight Problem

2010-01-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

Marcia’s getting wider
And bigger clothes can’t hide ‘er.
Tarps and sheets won’t do it.
She should stop eating suet.

Epitaphs VII

2010-01-14T17:21:00.000-08:00

In these two plots lay both of the Flagnets.
A couple who died when they ate they’re ‘fridge magnets.
The wee bits of metal increased their attraction.
But a passing bus triggered a fatal extraction.

Questioning The Poems You May Read To A Child At Bedtime

2010-01-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop.
When the wind blows the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall.
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

But what did become of that ill-fated tot,
Of the scrapes he sustained or the bruises he got?
And what of the fractures or lumps he received
Or the numerous cuts as he fell through the leaves?

To fall from some height would be bad, don’tcha think?
And the child most definitely died in a wink.
To smash on the ground, there could be nothing worse.
So why tell the tale in a sing-songy verse?

So remember this bit as your kids go to sleep,
All filled full of calm and dreaming so deep.
So to help your kids sleep full of sweet slumber breath
Tell the tale of a baby who fell to his death.

Puppy Dog

2010-01-10T10:41:00.000-08:00

Puppy dog, puppy dog
Playful little pup.
Run around in circles
With your tail pointing up.

Puppy dog, puppy dog
Tell me what is whats.
And why you’re always sniffing
All the other doggies butts.

Wart Hog

2010-01-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

Wild boar so tuskily tusky,
Squat and stout and generally husky.
You huff and grunt, you root and dig;
Beady-eyed, mud-caked, uncouth pig.

Mr. Craig's Fables: The Little-est Hiccup

2010-01-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

Four score and twenty years ago, last Thursday around dinner time......................

.....there lived a very tiny hiccup.

He lived very comfortably inside a woman named Susan who was a bank teller from Boise, Idaho.
For most of the time that the little hiccup lived in Susan, he hung around inside her belly-area waiting to do his job which was to jump around and sing his hiccup songs.
He would sit back and rest for most of the time until the moment was right.
Then the little hiccup would hop around Susan's belly and sing his hiccup songs.
"Hiccup!"
"Hiccup, hiccup!"
"Hic......hiccup!"
The little hiccup was very good at and very happy with his job but he longed for more.
"I want more," he said one day.
"Some day I will grow up to be big and strong. I will be the biggest strongest hiccup that there ever was."
So the little hiccup started working out.
He did jumping jacks.
He did deep knee bends.
He swam laps in the pool.
And after some time of working out and getting larger the little hiccup was very large and powerful.
"Gosh!," said the little hiccup. "I wish there were a mirror around. I want to know what I look like."
All of a sudden it was time to dance and the little hiccup had to do his job.
"Oh boy!" the little hiccup cried with glee.
"Now I get to do my job even better because I'm so big and strong!"
So the little hiccup started dancing and jumping around and singing his hiccup songs.
But something sounded different.
The songs were not the same as they were when the little hiccup was smaller.
"Hurp!" said the little hiccup.
"H-huh-huh-hu-u-u-u-u-u-urp!"
"Guh-huh-h-huh, hu-u-u-u-u-u-u-urp!"
"What is that noise?!?", cried the little hiccup.
"What's going on?!?"
As the little hiccup continued to jump around and sing his new-sounding songs, wondering what was going on, all of a sudden there was a flood of hot and sticky wetness behind him and the little hiccup felt himself traveling straight up off his feet and at a great rate of speed.
And Susan, the bank teller from Boise, Idaho threw up all over the counter at her job.

Marianne the Vampire

2009-12-30T14:34:00.000-08:00

Vampire Marianne
(A strict vegetarian)
Had a long and successful career.

She’d feed on potatoes
And bite ripe tomatoes
And hunted each night without fear.

Zucchinis were cool
To this plant sucking ghoul
As were all the plants down at the Mart.

But since meat was a sin
What did Marianne in
Was a porterhouse steak through the heart.

Epitaphs VI

2009-12-30T14:29:00.000-08:00

Here lies the farmer, Benjamin Cropp.
Who was taken away when he fell on a top.
The wound he received didn’t cause expiration.
What did Benny in was severe Cropp rotation.

Little Nell

2009-12-30T14:25:00.000-08:00

Little Nell ate super glue
While lying in a field.
She wouldn’t say who gave her it
Because her lips were sealed.

2009-12-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

Little Nell liked great big snakes
And Little Nell liked magic.
Little Nell combined the two.
The end result was tragic.

Why The Sea Is Salty

2009-12-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

The Earth is mostly water
From the North pole to the South.
And all of it tastes salty
When you swish it ‘round your mouth.

And all the salt in all the seas
Comes from a single source.
What makes the oceans taste that way
Is sweaty fish, of course.

Clothes For Sale

2009-12-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

Clothes for sale, clothes for sale!
Clothes that cover from head to tail!

For four ninety-nine I’ve got fresh fish socks.
Adult size is “trout” and for children there’s “lox.”
Pulled up to your calves these fish socks look swell
Though it takes quite some time to get used to the smell.

Right over here I’ve got “Boa Neck Ties.”
They fit any neck ‘cause they come in one size.
These snake ties are stylish and not very frightening.
But the best part of all is these ties are self-tightening.

And just take a look at this cheddar bikini.
It comes in three sizes; Large, Small and Teeny.
We don’t sell a lot and the reason, we felt,
Is when out in the sunshine the suit starts to melt.

Art The Whistler

2009-12-01T17:54:00.000-08:00

Art could whistle like a bird.
Just pretty notes and not one word.
Art would start whistling when he’d awaken
Then whistle right through his poached eggs and bacon.

He whistled at work, he whistled at home.
He whistled while “talking” to friends on the phone.
He whistled so much that it made people mad
Like his aunt and his cat and his Mom and his Dad.

“Enough!” they would holler. “You whistle by choice!
Now stop all this tweeting and please use your voice!”
So Art scratched his head as he thought what to do.
Then he puckered his lips and he whistled, “Wit Woo!”

“We’ve all had enough of your joking and toying!
And this whistling thing is just really annoying!”
But Art kept on tweeting in front of the clan
So they thought up a way to stop “Whistling Man.”

They pondered and planned on a way to stop Art
And they mapped out a plan and they drew up a chart.
Arts mouth was the source of the family’s unease
So they went and they stapled his lips to his knees.

Epitaphs V

2009-12-01T17:41:00.000-08:00

Into beyond goes Jonathan Brannon.
Snatched from this planet when killed by a cannon.
A curious chap, poor John did expire
When he peered down the barrel and someone yelled, “FIRE!”

Epitaphs IV

2009-12-01T17:39:00.000-08:00

Here she lies, Maggie Plantaine.
Taken from life, she was crushed by a train.
The cause of her death? Prepositional blunder.
She didn’t get “on” instead she got “under.”

Contemplating the Uvula

2009-11-28T08:16:00.000-08:00

You’re just a little, teardrop-shaped, dangling lump of skin
That hangs down at the back of my throat with no real next of kin.

You sway a bit, both back and forth, when I breathe in and out.
Kind of like a punching bag before a boxing bout.

You get swept back when I ingest those rich and creamy sauces.
And then get tossed the other way when I am feeling nauseous.

Despite those minor obstacles I’m envious no doubt
Because it seems your job so far is simply to hang out.

Tattooed Dirt

2009-11-28T08:11:00.000-08:00

You wouldn’t be that mopey.
If you never got all soapy.

Just think of the money you’ve squandered
On keeping your body laundered.

Wouldn’t you feel empowered
If you never, ever showered?

And the fame you will have gathered
By keeping yourself unlathered?

A full body, dirt tattoo
Wouldn’t save much on shampoo.

But your status? Full of fame-y.
Though you would be rather gamey.

Little Nell

2009-11-28T08:07:00.000-08:00

Little Nell just loved the sun
Of this there is no doubt.
One day she stared right at it
And burned her eyeballs out.

Dancing Debbie

2009-10-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

Dainty dancing Debbie Moore
Nailed her foot to the kitchen floor.
Her leaps and bounds were uneventful.
But her pirouettes were monumental!

Early Morning Song Birds

2009-10-23T13:06:00.001-07:00

You wake up in the morning
And the sun is bright and shining.
The morning dew a-glistens
And the early birds are dining.
The birdies have their breakfast
And then the birds start chirping.
But all the songs those birdies sing
Is just those birdies burping.

Little Nell

2009-10-23T12:53:00.000-07:00

Little Nell fed ‘gators
In a pen out on her lawn.
She’d be here if she hadn’t had
Her lamb chop ear rings on.

Snakes

2009-10-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

They only use one lip balm tin
Because their lips are very thin.

The Poem That Never Really Worked, About The Cat On My Porch

2009-10-07T10:07:00.001-07:00

There was a tan cat that sat on my porch.
It lay in the sun all day long.
I scared it one day and it ran in the street
And got hit by a moving truck that was full of furniture that belonged to that new family across the street, y’know? The Johnsons? Yeah, them. Nice people.

Mr. Craigs Fables: The Hungry Little Slug

2009-10-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at 2:00 PM, give or take a week.......

A chubby, little slug crawled under a fence and into a great big garden.
He was feeling a bit hungry as he slowly inched among the rows of vegetables looking for a meal.
"Golly," thought the chubby, little slug. "I sure am hungry. What would taste super-good right now would be some squash."
As the chubby, little slug slowly inched down the row of vegetables and turned to inch up the next row, his little slug eyes almost popped off their stalks with amazement.
There in front of him was a whole row of squash.
"Oh happy day!" cried the chubby, little slug. "Look at all these squash! I will never be hungry again! And they're mine!...ALL MINE!!"
And the chubby, little slug started eating the squash.
munch, munch munch!
munch, munch munch!
munch, munch munch!
Gulp!
It didn't take very long until the chubby little slug had eaten enough squash and he was very, very full.
"I am very, very full," he said through a mouthful of chewed squash. "But I can't crawl away because someone may come by and take all my beautiful squash away from me!"
So he started eating again.
And he ate.
And he ate.
And he ate.
The chubby, little slug ate so much squash the he puffed up to four times his normal size.
"Ooooh my gracious," groaned the chubby, little slug. "I can't eat any more squash! But I can't just crawl away! Someone may come by and take all my beautiful squash away from me!"
So he started eating yet again.
And he ate.
And he ate.
And he ate.
Then suddenly, the chubby, little slug stopped eating.
His little, slug eyes bulged on the ends of their stalks.
His little slug mouth opened and trembled as tiny bits of squash dropped from his little slug lips.
And with a loud and wet-sounding "POP!", the chubby, little slug exploded and showered the vegetable garden with partially digested squash and lots and lots of slug innards.

Why People Go To Parades

2009-09-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

It’s not to hear the marching bands
Or hear the bag pipes drone.
It’s not to see the honored Mayor
Or the float shaped like a phone.

It’s not to see the Little League
Or any Boy Scout Troop.
But who’s a-marching behind the horse
And who steps in the poop.

What If Stevie Wonder Were Superman?

2009-09-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

Fighting crime would still be his mission.
Just without the X-Ray vision.

Little Nell

2009-09-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

Little Nell had hiccups
Of that there was no doubt.
She hiccup-ed once with so much force
Her head turned inside out.

Little Nell

2009-09-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

Little Nell spun ‘round and ‘round
And then she spun some more.
She spun around a few more times
And spun right through the floor.

Timmy And Fong

2009-06-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

Timmy had a sister and his sister’s name was Fong.
Timmy, who was older, thought his sister’s hair was long.
So Timmy grabbed some pruning shears a-lying next to him
And went into his sisters room to give her hair a trim.

He started cutting on the top and then moved to the back.
The pruning shears went “snick-itty snick” and “clip-itty clip” and “hack”.
But Timmy grew a bit perturbed and thought about just leavin’
Because the haircut he gave Fong was sloppy and uneven.

The top was clean. The back, precise. The bangs, without a flaw.
It was the sides of Fong’s new “do” that stuck in Timmy’s craw.
So Timmy thought and Timmy smiled and Timmy grabbed the shears
And cured his sister’s cock-eyed hair by snipping off her ears.

Refuting The Existence Of Certain Mythical Personas Your Parents Insist Are Real

2009-06-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

It’s not the Sandman sprinklin’ dust
It’s tears and dirt that make eye crust.

The Boogey Man will top this list
Because he simply don’t exist.

Another lie is the Easter Bunny.
(I don’t know why they think he’s funny.)

And frozen water condensation
Is the Jack Frost explanation.

But the one that lives and is truly scary
Is the vicious, rabid, fanged Tooth Fairy.

Mr. Craigs Fables: The Other Muffin Man

2009-06-17T15:48:00.000-07:00

Thirteen years ago last Tuesday,…………….

Mrs. Glickman opened up her oven door and peeked inside.
“Oh good-y,” she smiled. “They’re done.”
She put on her big, purple oven mitts, reached into the stove and pulled out a pan filled with freshly baked, blueberry muffins.
Smelling the sweet, fruity muffins, Mrs. Glickman placed the hot pan on top of the stove and left the kitchen to give them time to cool.
When she returned 10 minutes later, she noticed that one of the muffins was missing.
“That’s odd,” she said out loud. “I wonder what happened to the muffin.”
“Hah, haa! Wouldn’t you like to know, you big dummy,” said a mocking voice that came from the stove top.
Mrs. Glickman looked down and stood shocked and still when out from behind the tea kettle walked the missing blueberry muffin.
There was a long period of quiet as Mrs. Glickman stared at the little muffin on the stove.
“What are you looking at, Stupid Head,” sneered the muffin.
Mrs. Glickman couldn’t believe she was staring at a walking, talking muffin. Or at how impolite the muffin was.
“What?” shouted the muffin. “You’ve never seen a blueberry muffin before?” The muffin then stuck its tongue out at her.
Mrs. Glickman frowned at the rude, little muffin. She then reached out her hand to pick it up and place it back in the muffin pan with the other muffins who didn’t walk or talk nasty.
“Hey!” screamed the muffin. “Don’t touch me!”
When Mrs. Glickman pulled back her hand, the bad muffin laughed, turned around and wiggled his rear end in her direction.
Then it made “poopie” noises at her.
Mrs. Glickman had had enough of the bad mannered muffin. She reached down and quickly grabbed the muffin as it tried to run back behind the tea kettle.
She then peeled the paper wrapper from around the wriggling, little muffin.
“What are you doing?!?” screamed the muffin. “Why are you taking off my clothes?!?”
With the paper covering removed, Mrs. Glickman then raised the shrieking, little muffin up to her mouth and took a big bite out of it.
As she chewed the mouthful of muffin, the yelling stopped and she got to enjoy the fruity tasting muffin in peace and quiet.
And it was the best tasting muffin she ever ate.

Babies pt. I

2009-05-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

Very tiny, little folks
With wretched walking talents.
Their mouths stay open when they walk.
They use the drool for balance.

Babies pt.II

2009-05-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

Change is for the better
Or else the diaper just gets wetter.

Mr. Craig's Fables: The Story of Fatty Ham Cat

2009-05-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

Not long ago in a town just over there,………

there lived a cat that looked just how a cat should look. He had two pointy ears, a long tail, a little pink tongue and he was furry. But there were two things that made this cat just a little bit different.
One thing was this cat was very, VERY fat.
And the second thing was this cat smelled like ham.
So people called him………..Fatty Ham Cat.
Fatty Ham Cat liked to eat.
Fatty Ham Cat liked to sleep.
And Fatty Ham Cat liked to dream.
One day, Fatty Ham Cat woke up from a great dream, ate breakfast and went for a walk. And everywhere that Fatty Ham Cat went, people were not very nice to him.
They said things like, “Ew!”
And “Gross!”
And “Yuck! You smell like ham!”
This made Fatty Ham Cat mad.
“What’s the big deal!” he yelled. “I smell like ham! So what?!? It could be worse! I could smell like cheese underpants!”
So Fatty Ham Cat went out each day to do his cat chores knowing that people didn’t like the way he smelled.
That Thursday while he stood in line at the sock store, Fatty Ham Cat noticed something unusual.
The lady behind him wasn’t complaining that he smelled like ham.
In fact, she was standing very close to him and smelling him and smiling.
When she noticed what she was doing she apologized.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just love the smell of ham.”
“You do?” said Fatty Ham Cat.
“Yes. How would you like to come live with me?” she asked.
“What would I have to do?” asked Fatty Ham Cat.
“Oh, nothing. Just sleep and dream and eat the food I make you. All you would have to do is smell like ham.”
“I can sure do that!” exclaimed Fatty Ham Cat.
So Fatty Ham Cat went home with the woman and she made him a big batch of mouse cakes for dinner.
And as Fatty Ham Cat slept and dreamed, the lady sniffed him and smiled.

Monsters in Your House: The Pant-a-Loon

2009-04-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Pant-a-Loon lives in your pants and in your leiderhosen.
It’s thin and soft and lives wrapped up inside the pants you’ve chosen.

It slithers in a pants leg, either left one or the right ones.
Its favorites are the baggy kind and always shuns the tight ones.

The Pant-a-Loon sleeps patiently until you put on slacks
And then the flat and sneaky beast awakens and attacks.

The way you beat the Pant-a-Loon and not end up its food?
You simply must take off your pants and walk around half-nude.

Epitaphs III

2009-04-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Here I lie,
Weiling Chan,
Sliced to death by a ceiling fan.
I rest now in heaven
And hear angels chatter
All the while looking
Like a cold deli platter.

Little Nell

2009-04-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

Little Nell ate honey
Directly from the hive.
If Nell had just removed the bees
She still might be alive.

Connie, The Piercing Fanatic

2009-03-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

She pierced her earlobes one by one.
Then pierced them twelve more times for fun.

And soon her lobes were filled with rings
So Connie punctured other things.

Her eyebrows were the next things skewered,
One hundred rings, so mark my word.

Off her nose ten rings were hung
And then nine barbells through her tongue.

With no room left upon her face
She went and pierced near everyplace.

Connie pierced her body speedily
‘Til all her skin was pierced and needle-y.

She went outside to show the world.
But just then dark storm clouds unfurled.

It rained on Connie, now she’s gone.
She rusted to death right there on the lawn.

Little Nell

2009-03-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

Little Nell once bit her tongue
And found she liked the taste.
So she kept right on chewing
'Til she gnawed off half her face.

Little Nell

2009-03-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

Little Nell baked poison tarts
Spiced with toxic waste.
That's fine 'cept Nellie gave the batter
Just a little taste.

Crooked Pete

2009-03-13T11:33:00.001-07:00

In a crooked little house
On a crooked little street
Lived a crooked little man
And his name was Crooked Pete.

Crooked Pete was called as such
‘Cause of his crooked back.
Both mentally and physically,
Pete was out of whack.

Crooked Pete lived in his house
With Bruce who was his dog
Who lay still ‘cause he had no legs
And looked just like a log.

And every morning, every day
Bruce’s tail would wag.
‘Cause Crooked Pete would leash Bruce up
And take him for a drag.